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OT - need advice, horses and aging parents?

T

tractorsam

Well-known Member
I could use a little advice on a problem my girlfriend and I are having. My apologies for the length and the off topic. She has some 'adopted' parents who have for the last 30 years or so been taking in and looking after a varying number of aged horses. About 10 years ago my girlfriend met these people and adopted them as parents (long before I was in the picture). At about the same time she became involved with caring for the horses in an on and off basis and wound up adopting one after nursing it back to health.

Roll on towards the present day and there are 5 horses in the barn (which is getting to the point of falling down - no maintenance), one at 15 the rest around 30. The adopted parents are both around 60. They've never been overly well off but they've been having harder than usual times lately, add to that the adopted mother started going through some form of a late mid life crisis and now acts much like a typical teenager (doesn't care/can't be bothered/won't take responsibility). My girlfriend and I are doing our best to help them out, we've been supplying(buying) the hay for the horses for the last 2 years as well as hauling it to there place (and putting it in the barn). They have some health issues and so my girlfriend has been going up weekday mornings, feeding the horses, letting them out, cleaning the stalls etc.

They have a teenage daughter who won't lift a finger to help, another younger person who lives with them (supposedly to help out) who seems to be getting lazier by the day. The main problem we're having is that my girlfriend doesn't want to let the horses suffer and so she is doing what it takes to keep the horses as close to happy as she can but the more she does the less her adopted parents (and help) are doing. Add to that they're making things harder by not getting the feeds done up (they won't let my girlfriend do it) so she can't even get started until midday. They won't let the horses be taken off the property (although we don't have anywhere to put them), my girlfriend can't take just her horse as it's herd bound, and if my girlfriend doesn't take care of it they'll barely do enough to keep them alive (after the long weekend they were about up to there ankles in muck.

We're about at our wits end but my girlfriend won't see the horses suffer and doesn't want to loose hers. Any thoughts, advice, or help on how to get fix/improve this situation would be much appreciated. Thanks, Sam
 
If your GF's horse is worth anything, take it and find it a pony or sheep for a companion (goat is asking for trouble)..... Cut all ties with the others, including the people, and enjoy life..... If you're worried about the other horses starving, report the people.... She may think she has adopted parents, but they KNOW they have a flunky at their beck and call.....
 
Due to the beliefs of a couple of the people involved, my girlfriend and her adopted mother, that's not an option. Thank you though, Sam
 
Well, I think you hit the nail on the head. Can you take a horse (an
Arab) that's been with the same two companions for a decade and
wean her on to a new one? Thanks, Sam
 
(quoted from post at 14:29:21 09/04/12) Well, I think you hit the nail on the head. Can you take a horse (an
Arab) that's been with the same two companions for a decade and
wean her on to a new one? Thanks, Sam
Click to expand...
eople get used to other people,..no reason a horse would,nt
 
(quoted from post at 14:29:21 09/04/12) Well, I think you hit the nail on the head. Can you take a horse (an
Arab) that's been with the same two companions for a decade and
wean her on to a new one? Thanks, Sam
Click to expand...

People sell/move horses all the time... If it don't adjust, it's not worth (or safe) to keep it around anyway. A butcher is the safest option for all concerned. I think it should be fine tho. If it's mean, you may consider a donkey.....
 
Yes. As long as the horse is not solitary and has something for a companion, it will be ok.

My Arab and his 1/2 brother (1/2 Arab, 1/2 Qtr) have been together their whole lives (12yrs). Last year, one was at the farm and one was in Dallas. No problems.
 
I agree with what dave2 said but I'll add my extra 2 cents. Cut your ties with the 60+ year old Mare and Stud plus forget about the Filly and as for the gelding living there...he is on his own.

Now, to the horses...call the Humane Society. I am not one that would normally do this. But, it sounds like the "adopted" parents are just taking advantage of you two. STOP IT now!

As for your GF, if she don't like it, get rid of her too! (she is an enabler).

Good Luck
 
(quoted from post at 14:48:33 09/04/12) I agree with what dave2 said but I'll add my extra 2 cents. Cut your ties with the 60+ year old Mare and Stud plus forget about the Filly and as for the gelding living there...he is on his own.

Now, to the horses...call the Humane Society. I am not one that would normally do this. But, it sounds like the "adopted" parents are just taking advantage of you two. STOP IT now!

As for your GF, if she don't like it, get rid of her too! (she is an enabler).

Good Luck
Click to expand...

Absolutely NO people skills......
 
Fair enough, I know next to nothing about horses except that hay goes in one end and what comes out the other end has dealt with. Mechanical horses are more my speed. Thanks for the input, Sam
 
Pasture - about 2-3 acres, not worth a darn. Back to the no maintenance thing, the place the horses are at has been run into the ground and then some. I'm in Nova Scotia, Canada and the weather here isn't conducive to keeping animals on pasture year round, it gets very wet in the winter and we have repeated freeze thaw as well. Thanks, Sam
 
This is a tough situation.

If your girlfriend stays, she will wind up doing more and more of the chores and shouldering more and more of the responsibility - shots, worming, foot trimming, etc.

You can try telling the people she won't continue to do everything by herself. Make up a schedule of what needs to be done when and when your girlfriend will be there. You will need to be firm so they know you mean it.

Tell them they are expected to do the chores when she's not there, that leaving them until she shows up is not acceptable. Then stick to it.

If they leave the chores for her to do, she needs to take care of her horse and leave the others until they figure out she means it. It probably won't work, but you can give it a try.

You have to realize you can't save them all. Breaks your heart, but sometimes you have to walk away.

Both of you will probably be happier moving her horse to another location even if you have to pay stabling charges.
 
(quoted from post at 14:58:03 09/04/12) Pasture - about 2-3 acres, not worth a darn. Back to the no maintenance thing, the place the horses are at has been run into the ground and then some. I'm in Nova Scotia, Canada and the weather here isn't conducive to keeping animals on pasture year round, it gets very wet in the winter and we have repeated freeze thaw as well. Thanks, Sam
Click to expand...

5 horses on 3 acres is better than a horse on a hundred sq ft..... Convert or arrange the barn so they can come and go as they please, keep the barn clean and dry, feed them outside, and relax a little..... If they stay outside and freeze instead of going in the barn, they need to be dead anyway..... Horses are much happier and healthier when they can move in fresh air.....
 
This is the girlfriend...I did make a deal with my "father" a while back but, his health is getting worse every day. He now has the defeatist attitude and can't be bothered to do much. I have a bad back and told him that we would share the workload. We did well for a while, but now it's going back to the horses being neglected. The chores are getting "done", but not properly.

As to a schedule, I have asked repeatedly for the feeds to be done earlier in the morning, or heck, the night before, so I can get them out in the morning before it gets hot out, (we have a horse that has heaves and likes to be in the barn during the day) but they can't even do that for me.

I have tried to just look after my horse, but I can only look at the others so long before I feel I need to help them. I don't believe the horses should suffer because the humans are idiots.

I've tried to walk away; I just can't do that to my girl.
 
I think your girlfriend should get her horse out of there. Buying hay for only 1 horse (versus 10 of them) should enable you to pay to rent barn space somewhere.

I also believe your girlfriend needs to make these people take responsibilty for their own animals and their own lives. If they cannot afford hay, then they should not have the animals. Plus...is she willing to start taking care of the humans as well? And maintaining their home/property? Buying them groceries? Doing their laundry while their own child sits idly by? That is the road she is heading down... I would cut ties with these people - they sound like users to a large degree.
 
As has been said, you should notify the humane society or local law enforcement agency. Let them check out the situation and be the "bad guys" to tell those people what their responsibility is if they want to keep the horses. If they won't be responsible after that, the law will handle the whole matter.

You & GF just step back and keep out of it as much as you can.
 
My first answer sounds a bit harsh upon thinking about it. But people should have boundaries... in not taking advantage of others, nor should one be taken advantage of. If you do not have boundaries in your life, some people will walk all over you - all of the time.

A great book to read is, "Boundaries - When to Say Yes and When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

It is not easy for some people to learn to say "No", but it is really important. Saying no does not need to be spoken harshly. And having boundaries does not mean that one should always say no. But the sooner in life that one learns and establishes healthy boundaries in relationships - the better life will be!

Spoken from experience.
 
Thank you, an interesting suggestion. Your first answer wasn't that far from the mark either. Thanks, Sam
 
Thanks for the suggestion, this is something we've been thinking about and will probably be the next step. Thanks, Sam
 
Hi Sam , just reading your interesting discussion on horses. You are in a tough situation and sometimes the sooner the decision is made the easier it will be for all concerned. There is no way that anyone can win over people who are attempting to save old horses. Your young, move back up to your property that you purchased a couple of years ago and there is room for your G/F's horse on that property. Cheers, Murray
 
You are being used. You have become "enablers".

Sometime you have to be tough. Someone elses problem is not your problem if you offer to help but they dont want to assist. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

Sounds like you need a .22 revolver to put the old, sick ones down. Take your horse and move on.

Either that or find another girl friend.

Good luck, Gene
 
Those adopted parents are drawing food stamps, disability, unemployment, home heating allowance, Wic , and probably 5 other federal entitlements. Cut the cord form them . If GF wants to keep them cut her loose.
 
On one hand your girl friend is to be commended for having a compassionate heart. On the other hand she needs her butt kicked for becoming a door mat to these people and horses.

Why do they get to dictate to her when the horses are feed if they are not doing the work???? That does not make any since.

Also you need to really look long and hard at how your girl friend handles this. I have known and seen many people that move from one ship wreck to the next their whole lives because they want to ride in and "save" someone or some thing. You need to make sure that this is just a one time thing or your going to be playing the same song over and over.
 
Well said, JD!

If I meet a gal and she has horses or can't live without horses, I run the other way, fast as the wind.

I'm only slightly joking here......
 
(quoted from post at 03:05:15 09/05/12) Solve the problem by finding another GF and be thankful you didn't marry her.
Click to expand...

Boy............... Ain't you just all heart................

Seriously tho...... Those old horses ain't doin noone any good and would be happier at the butcher than being neglected... Something the two of you gotta work out amongst yourselves..... Since your girl posted already.... I don't hafta feel bad about talkin behind her back.... She may be the sweetest/prettiest thing around, but if she don't see the problem here or sees it and unwilling to solve it, she ain't worth havin around. And I mean that with all respect.....
 
JD Seller,

Yep. Same song, different verse - only a little bit lounder and a little bit worse. Could make for a long, long, and weary life.
 
Take your horse and leave. Now!

Like I said, even though it breaks your heart, you sometimes have to make yourself walk away. If you don't, it will only get worse.

I've had to do it and its awful. You'll never forget the ones you left behind, but sometimes you just can't save them.

Contact the local humane society or find a horse rescue and report the abuse.

Get your horse and get out.
 


[u:bcbfe1c3d3][b:bcbfe1c3d3]Number one fact of life[/b:bcbfe1c3d3][/u:bcbfe1c3d3]; you can only control what YOU do, therefore you can only change your own life.
[u:bcbfe1c3d3][b:bcbfe1c3d3]Number two fact of life [/b:bcbfe1c3d3][/u:bcbfe1c3d3];is that the number one fact of life applies to your GF also. She controls her own actions.

The mostly costly thing in the world is a relationship; you give of your time, maybe your money and definitely your emotions.

A relationship is hard to give up on, especially if you think with your emotions and not your intellect. What it costs to maintain a bad relationship might be using resources that you could use towards a good relationship with someone else.

Both you and your GF individually should make a list of everyone involved in this mess and list what you give to the relationship and what you get back from the relationship. Give each answer a score of 1 to 10 then see if the cold hard facts (when you total up the score) might take some of the emotion out of your decision.
 
(quoted from post at 08:21:16 09/05/12)

[u:82492080c6][b:82492080c6]Number one fact of life[/b:82492080c6][/u:82492080c6]; you can only control what YOU do, therefore you can only change your own life.
[u:82492080c6][b:82492080c6]Number two fact of life [/b:82492080c6][/u:82492080c6];is that the number one fact of life applies to your GF also. She controls her own actions.

The mostly costly thing in the world is a relationship; you give of your time, maybe your money and definitely your emotions.

A relationship is hard to give up on, especially if you think with your emotions and not your intellect. What it costs to maintain a bad relationship might be using resources that you could use towards a good relationship with someone else.

Both you and your GF individually should make a list of everyone involved in this mess and list what you give to the relationship and what you get back from the relationship. Give each answer a score of 1 to 10 then see if the cold hard facts (when you total up the score) might take some of the emotion out of your decision.
Click to expand...

You's in the wrong line of work bro........... You should take up counseling.... :shock:
 
(quoted from post at 16:31:39 09/05/12)


You's in the wrong line of work bro........... You should take up counseling.... :shock:
Click to expand...

Nah Dave2, I am just an unemployed old man who is not looking for any line of work.

Just exercising my big mouth and slow keyboard this morning. :)
 
Gotta agree with some of the others on here. You cannot run your life in crisis mode because of these slobs and your GF who isn't helping by enabling them. Granted it's great that she isn't willing to see animals suffer needlessly.

But realistically those 30 year old horses are going to die....sooner rather than later.

Your relationship is going to reach a breaking point because you are on here asking us clowns what to do........

You need to set it down in front of her is the relationship is going to work.....it's gotta stop. She has to shoose between adoptive parents who have abused her and you.....

She needs to decide which is more important, you, or some slobs that have stabbed her in the back and refuse to care for animals that they said they would.


You can always get another horse.

Rick
 
I didn't want to put our 10 year old Chow dog to sleep, but there's a time you need to make a decision. When she started bleeding from the rectum we knew it was time to put her out of her misery. So we bought another Chow pup. Those 30year old horses are going to have health issues
and what are you going to do when you find one down in the barn. Hal
 
I would visit the society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. and get this bogey off my back.
They are past their useby date.
 
The SPCA ain't gonna do a darn thing,they're just a bunch of hypocrits.
They only come in to action if neglect is showing,ie: starvation and/or dead animals or suffering and they can charge somebody( then they can go public and point fingers and thumb their own chest)., but they won't act to prevent it,nor help solve the problem.
I have a true story of the above.

Be carefull with just walking away cause they(SPCA) can/will charge the last one responsible for feeding/care for these horses, wich in this case is the GF if she just walks away.

She got herself in a good pickle doing the things she did.
 
Just a note to say thank you to you all for your input and suggestions. Some of them had come up before and some I hadn't thought of. As to what I'll do, I guess I've got some thinking to do and I'll see where it goes from there. Thanks, Sam
 
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