have you heard this one? (joke)

Wife walks into the kitchen, asks her husband"what are you doing?" he replys while wavving a flyswatter in his hand "killing flys"!!I have killed five allready, two females, and three males.. "How do you tell the males from the females??" she asked...He said "Well,two of them were on the phone, and three of them were on the empty beer cans"..

Did you hear the one about the couple who made a bargain that if she would quit buying jewelry all the time he would give up his beer? A few weeks later he seen some jewelry on the charge! When questioned she said "well honey , I was just trying to make myself look good for you" He answered " why do you think I drank beer"

Lets see if she presses the poof button on this one: 2 Mexicans are walking through the desert, after being chased by the INS, they lost all their food, still had plenty water, but its been days since they ate, their starvin, one says to the other, man joo smell bacon, the other one says no, man joo just makin tings worse. Other one says man I steel smell bacon, its comin from dat tree up dere. Other one says man joo seein wat dey call mirages, doesn't even look up. First one starts runnin up the hill, picks a slice of bacon off the tree and eats it, looks at the tree, sees all kinds of bacon, barbecue, ham, you name it. His buddy walks up the hill and sees the seen and says:

ees

ees

ees

not

a

bacon

tree,

ees

a

HAMBUSH!

A very loud,unattractive,mean acting woman walked into Wal-mart with her two kids,yelling obscentives at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-mart greeter said pleasantly,'good morning and welcome to Wal-mart .Nice children,are they twins?
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,'hell no they ain't!The oldest one is nine and the other one is seven.Why the hell would you think they are twins,are you blind or just stupid?
I'm neither blind nor stupid,ma'am,replied the greeter.I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice.Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-mart

Two guys stop in a bar after a morning of turkey hunting. An old man at the bar, seeing their camo, walks over and strikes up a conversation. I used to go hunting, years ago, but, I can't do all the walking and such anymore. One time I was walking out to my deer stand, and this big bear jumped out in front of me, AAAARRG, the old man yells raising his arms up over his head. And i just shi?. The two hunters look at each other, one says, man, I would have shi? too if a bear jumped out in front of me. The old man looked at them sheepisly. No, not then, just now, when I went aaaarg.

My grandpaw told me that when he was young, he fought a bear with a knife. Said he didn't know where in the he++ the bear got the knife.

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s*it?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

Ok I screwed the pooch on that one, forgot a sentence in it. The last sentence should read: right after he tastes a piece of the bacon, an unseen, silenced machine gun opens up on him, mortally wounded he cries out ees a hambush! Oh well it would have been funny if I hadn't flubbed it!

An old unattractive man was sitting at a bar.A young good-lookin' man walked in and sat down.The young man noticed that 10 gorgeous women surrounded the old man and that not one noticed him!

When the old man had to releive himself,the young feller caught him on the way back to the bar and asked him,"How on earth do you get all the hot women to flock around you like that" The old man shrugged,raised his arms,licked his eyebrows with his tongue and replied"I have no idea"!!

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, " Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride over anytime I want. "

The Lord said, " Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, " Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she"s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing"s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. "

The Lord replied, " You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

So, three guys walk into a bar... the fourth one ducks.



har :roll: har :roll: har :roll:

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.... It COULD happen.