Aging Parents.

Jim@concordfarms. · May 16, 2009

I'd like to hear from any of you on how to deal with my Dad, who's 83. He's in fine physical health, but he's getting so mentally strange I don't know what to do.

He complains constantly. Politics, religion, race, you name it. He makes very inappropriate comments in public places like restaurants, where he may say things like: "wonder if those 2 women are lesbians", or maybe a comment about oriental people, or Blacks. (Yes, he uses the "N" word.)

Thing is, he's just gotten like this in the past 3 years. Used to always be a real sweet guy. Now I can't do anything to please him. I need to paint my barn, I need to fix my fence, my cows look like they're eating too much, I look like I'm eating too much, Why didn't I mow my yard yesterday, etc.

Is this the onset of alzheimers or is it just old age. Help!

casedeereihnmassey · May 16, 2009

Have you taken him to a good doctor for a screening? No sence just guessing. In the mean time just remember the dad you had and just be glad you have him.

olgentdc · May 16, 2009

Could be??, but I am no Dr. , Lost my dad who was 93 last year , he was a lot like you descibe with Alcohol as a stimulator , my mom is 86 and often rings my house to talk to one of my brothers who live on other farms ,, she does the same to My 5 sisters,,,but never Has called them looking for One of the brothers or myself looking for one of m,y sisters, WEll I guess She has got a few things Straight afterall ..LOL ,, ,, Just remember One of these days all of us will be in the same boat ..It is really SAD how We All will eventually end up in our last days on this earth,, So Make it a GOOD life . what goes around comes around ,,so it is best to honor Your parents regardles of the embarrassment . and by all means correct politely and privately . its Ok to be somewhat embarrased for their Behavior , but not overly ....With All living things LOVE is the best soother . most folks will understand ,, And to those that don't ,,, well , what GOES around Comes Around ...

MarkB_MI · May 16, 2009

My sympathies are with you. It seems that your father is entering the early stages of dementia. You must do the following two things as soon as possible:

1. Get your father to a neurologist for an evaluation and possible treatment. There are some medications that will at least slow the onset of dementia.

2. Consult with a lawyer who specializes in "elder law". DO NOT rely on an attorney for whom elder law is not his primary practice. The attorney can help you with the various preparations you need to make if your father's condition worsens to the point that he can no longer make decisions or take care of himself.

Walterdavies · May 16, 2009

Funny I was in a Restaurant a while back and guy in his 40s had his dad out for lunch.
The young guy was doing all the complaining even jumped on a couple Mexican kids about their behavior. Hey they were kids enjoying life an not hurting anybody.
Finally I had enough and let him have it then apologized to the kids for his behavior.
The elderly guy was real nice just sat there letting his son boil off.
Walt

Maybe you just need to take Pop out behind the barn and have a talk.
My wife is 84 this month and she gets on my bad side now an then.

CCer · May 16, 2009

My Dad acts strangely too. Some of the same things. A few minutes of conversation, and he will ask the same question many times. I just kindly answer the questions again, and try to move on.
He remembers all kinds of things that he used to do well, and thinks he still can, but his mind is just not up to it, doesn't remember the details. He doesn't get it, that he's had a stroke, etc. I do jobs for him as I can, so he doesn't try to take it on.
I find that as I talk to others my age, they have, or have had similar situations to deal with. Many behaviors are sort of common with older folk. You are not alone.

Ozarker · May 16, 2009

MarkB is 100% on target with his comments. My dad is 83 and we are about 4 years into this. It may take a few tries to get the results you need with the neurologist, but well worth it. My thoughts are with you.

Bob

ScottyHOMeY · May 16, 2009

Jim, my lay opinion is that it sounds like Alzheimer's dementia. You need to get dad to a doctor for evaluation.

We just had an episode this a.m. with the FiL, 83 y.o. NEver minfd imagining things, he's been seeing things, and the MiL got back from breakfast with her sister this morning to find the fire department in the driveway, complet witht he ambulance. Seems he'd seen a fellow stuck up in a tree and calling for help because he couldn't get down, and so dialed 911.

Medical advice around here is about like legal advice. You need professional advice.

Rusty wheel · May 16, 2009

I hate to disagree with everyone but he sounds perfectly normal to me. In fact, this sounds like something me daughter would say about me, and I"m 68. Maybe your dad finally realized he"s earned the right to speak his mind. rw

Billy Shafer · May 16, 2009

I did a lot of work around alzheimers care units. Heard a lot of people like your dad in them. Would be good to get him checked out.Before he gets himself hurt or hurts someone. Have seen quite a few just walk out of the house not knowing where they are at. But also he may be ok and just doing what us old guys can do. Tell people off and get away with it.

Paul from MN · May 16, 2009

He should see a physician. I know that small strokes can cause symptoms similar to that.

I would not reccomend just going to a family practice doc. See an Internist. They are more specialized in adult health and will have much more experience with the issue facing your parents.

Good luck,
Paul

Gary from Muleshoe · May 16, 2009

I used to be a maintenance man and part time Chaplin in a convalescent center and people used to tell me the same things about there parents who suffer from alzheimer's. They would tell me that they had never heard their parents cuss or say anything bad about anyone, then all of the sudden it is like you say, they began to say bad things about and to everyone, family included. If that is what he has it will get much, much worse. There is medication to help control it. He needs to see a doctor soon. Some turn violent also as this progresses. Please get him to a doctor soon, he will most likely refuse, but you must take him anyway. I used to tell people including my MIL and wife (Grandpa had alzheimer's bad) they become the child with this and you become the parent. It is tough to reverse that roll but it has to be done.
God Bless You
Gary

Gun guru · May 16, 2009

Sounds funny, but it is irritating. Just have an honest talk with him that he is embarrasing to be around, and that the "N" word is not used in public because it makes you look like an outcast hillbilly. A visit to the doctors office would help too.

Gun guru · May 16, 2009

But.....being rude is public places is not appropriate, even if you think you have the "right" to call a spade a spade. Or a dyke a dyke.

WantACaseLASomeday · May 16, 2009

My dad got just like that at about 77 and I spent too much time being embarrassed and not enough trying to talk him into seeing the docotr. Then he just sat down and died when he was 78 - and I am left wishing forever that I had tried harder to get him to the doctor.

Please do see the doctor - sometimes the arteries get bad with age and/or there are oxygenation problems from other causes that make people act like that and most of them can be treated. The treatment can extend his life, too.

El Toro · May 16, 2009

Get him to the doctor ASAP. They have medication now that may help him. Hal

HENRY E NC · May 16, 2009

I am 77 and I am not as bad as your dad but, I figure that for many years I had to be careful what I was saying so now I am more like to say whats on my mind straight out. However, I still try not to embarrass any one unless they start on Me. Henry

redtom · May 16, 2009

My dad is 88 and he's not too rude, just very hard of hearing so when he makes a comment its way too loud and sounds worse than it is. My mom is 85 and can't hear and won't face it, so she "fills in the blanks" in conversation both in person and on the phone. As a result she is coming accross as getting senile. I like to think they earned the right to exist any way they wish. Unfortunately the public doesn't feel the same.

kyhayman · May 17, 2009

I could be both, or either, or it could be he has had a mini stroke. Both my parents are in their mid 80's and both have had mini strokes. While none of them have this extreme symptoms my ex FIL did. Regardless, its time for a physicians intervention. If he wont go, make an appt and go without him.

charles lendman · May 17, 2009

Since this sort of cam on recently he may have had a small stroke or a series of them ...called TIA'S I believe..personalty changes as you described can be cause by these..also as suggested have a Dr who knows SENIOR medicine...age related difficulties check him over...SOMETHING has changed and needs checking..Maybe early Alzihemiers? Charles

rustyj14 · May 17, 2009

Well, I'm 84 yoa+, and yesterday i drove from Pittsburgh north down to Ritcheyville,Pa. to a bluegrass weekend, and drove back, by myself, and didn't end up in Florida or Kansas, so i guess i'm still ok! I have a small business of fixing lawn mowers, etc. I think that is what has kept my mind good! I know, if i had just sat back after i retired, i would not be here today! A month of sitting had me climbing the walls, my wife about to leave, and the cat stayed out of my way!
I still know a lot of the bluegrass songs and the music, and can still play music with the band members at jamms, so, I'm not worried yet! I tell my wife, if i come home with two hussies on my arms, and not tattoos, then its time to worry!

dwrk · May 17, 2009

Maybe your daughter is right.

Anonymous-0 · May 18, 2009

Why did you think it your duty to apologise to the Children on behalf of a stranger.?
Sometimes one has to bite the lip.
I think it up to the Restaurant Manager.

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