O/T Dealing with a aging parent

My mom stay with myself and my youngest not that we mine she is 94 and not doing well any ideas on how to get to go to the Dr. she has no balance and more depends on us to help her get around the last checkup everything was good except she did not say anything about this problem she fell again this morning it took two hours to get her up we call down to 911 and they sent out the medics to check if she broke anything they thought she might have had a minor stroke we will be thankful for help in this matter.

Several of my retired co-workers are in their 90's and both are in assisted living. They both fell about 18 months ago. Hal

What are you asking?

My Mom died 3 years ago from Alzheimers. When she
was having problems but still living in her own
home, I was living with her but had concerns that
I felt weren't being addressed when she went to
the doctor. I wrote a letter listing my concerns,
with examples and dates, and sent it to the doctor
so that he had something to ask additional
questions about.

It may feel like you are going behind her back,
but telling the doctor about problems she won't
bring up and he doesn't know to ask will help her
get good medical care. Writing a letter, and then
rewriting the letter, and then sending it to the
doctor avoids the problem of remembering when the
doctor asks, "Anything else?".

Try Social Services in your area. Or better yet
put her in your car and go to the Clinic or
Emergency room.

Good advice, Eric.

A tough situation, many of us been there.

Something needs to be done, and it just kinda ends up being on your shoulders.

As much as they don't want the medical help, they need it. Roles reverse, you have to make sure they get the help they need, like when you were little and they made you take the medicine you didnt want to take.... Now it is your turn to have to step up and see things get to.d and said and looked after.

It's not easy or always pleasant and can hurt some feelings, but needs to be done.

Paul

difficult time and a difficult question. many
variables due to age, gender, physical/mental
condition and temperament. consideration also for
your own health and facilities for caring for her.
from experience; love, patience, love, compassion,
love, tolerance, love, gentleness, love, family
unity, love, commitment, love and sometimes you just
got to be tough. do not be afraid to seek out
available and often free help from local health and
human services agencies. good luck!

I've been in the same situation as you are. My mother was 92 when she could no longer take care of herself, even while I visited her every day and prepared her dinner. Although she had told me over many years that she didn't want to go into assisted living, I encouraged her to try it so she could be safe. She was beginning to lose her memory and I was afraid for her safety. I put her in a very nice assisted living facility and she gradually accepted it as they "take very good care of me, it's clean, and the food is good". I visited her at least twice a week and she lived there for 2 years until she died at 94, a year ago. I stressed the need for my mother to be safe and she accepted it. I visited several assisted living facilities over 2 days and picked out one that was very attractive and had programs and facilities that tend to residents comfort and needs. The costs were all very close - around $5,000 a month which translates to about $7/hour for round the clock care. To have an elder care company send someone to her home each day would have cost about $75 a day for a 3-hour visit which was the minimum cost. A 3-hour visit just wouldn't address her 24-hour safety needs. It was a life changing event for all of us but something that needed to be done. Don't know if this helps answer your questions but you've got some decisions to make. Good Luck.

You are in a tough spot.

There is no advice that fits this, you must look at your situation and decide what is best. I have gone through this 3 times and each one was different.

The hardest part is how much they seem to hate you for helping, but they are really angry at the situation, and not you.

Talk to your pastor.

Thanks for the advice one thing I guess should have said she would not do good away from us as my neighbors and friends say she is so used to the two of you it make her worst I have two brother and the one stayed with her a year ago for a few day and it turn into a real mess I made an appointment to talk to her Dr. next week thanks again.

I am not really sure the doctors understand the situations, I have an aunt and uncle in hospice now, they seem understand.

Tell the doctor you want to talk to VNA, Visiting Nurse Association, I think it is thu her MD, like a prescription, but I'm sure there is a 'council on aging' somewhere near you, they will have lots of ideas.

My dad put my grandmother in assisted living when she was 91. She stayed there 5 years. About 60K a year, but worth it. It ain't cheap getting old.

My lady friend dad stay with her he is about the same age I know what you are going through it is very stressful for both of us sometimes but we take it day by day he has his good days and bad days same here assisted living their is no way she could afford it is not a option.But what bothers me the man work for DOD for over 35 year but our goverment can help him out now they will pay a lazy bum to be on welfare and not even look for a job and give them everything and giving all the money to these other country that hate us.But not a dime for our aging folks here.

My mother is 87 and still lives in her own home, alone, with five dogs. I say that, we have ten acres and her house is situated fifty feet from mine. her dependence on me for support and help has gradually increased over the last few years. My dad died in 1998 after a fatal bout with emphysema. I had to help with him quite a bit in his last years.

Now, my mother is still able to see after herself for now. Her general health is good, she has a terrible back and her arthritis is awful, and her eyesight is slowly going away. But her blood chemistry looks like she is 25 years old. I check on her every morning before going to work and after I get off. We watch the evening news together and after that I'm on my own for a while. My wife is very supportive of this and things are good for now.

I know I will eventually have to look into getting additional help of some kind, but we are a very private family and it's not going to be pretty when that day comes.

I sympathize with those who talk about having to be "the parent". I am doing some of that now. I have tried to be very careful about what I do to help without appearing to take her freedoms away.

I have also experienced taking her to the doctor, and after the visit, asking what he said about this or that, and finding out she didn't mention whatever problem it was because she "didn't want to bother him with that right now..." I thought that was the reason for the visit! The idea of writing a note ahead of time is a good one, and can be done discreetly in most cases.

Hang in there and cherish them while they are here. The memories are good but not the same as having them here to talk to.

I agree with DavidG. No two situations are exactly the same, so no specific advice is exactly right. You will have to decide what will work best for your mother and your family.

I would suggest checking to see if your Mother would qualify for Medicaid. It is incredibly expensive to have someone in a nursing home, but Medicaid can pay for that, if you decide that a nursing home is the best solution for your Mother. Qualifying for Medicaid is at least partly based on your Mother"s current assets and income.

My Mom is 97, is in failing health and unfortunately she has significant dementia. A couple of years ago, she had to be placed in a locked dementia unit because she several times had "walked away" from the assisted living facility she lived in. The assisted living facility cost about $3000/month, and the dementia unit costs about$9000/month. At least Mom is safe and reasonably happy there.

Most of the patients in the dementia unit (including my best friend"s father) are being paid for by Medicaid. They get exactly the same level of care as my Mom, other than at least some of them share their room with another patient. My Mom will never qualify for Medicaid, as she has quite a bit of assets, very good pension income and the fact that we invested in Long Term Care insurance years ago. I would admit that it galls me somewhat that besides paying around $9000 a month, we have to pay for her personal needs, like Depends and any personal items, while the Medicaid people get those things without any personal cost.

I think if we had it to do over, we would have transferred my Mom"s assets. as so many people have done with their parents, so she would qualify for Medicaid. But we didn"t and it is too late now...live and learn.

Good luck with whatever you decide with your Mom. Be prepared to have others question what you do and also be prepared to have some guilt feelings if you decide to place her in a facility. But that might be the best solution, both for your Mom and for your family.

Getting old is tough, and getting WAY old is way tougher. I hope I do not have to endure living into my 90"s, as it seems to me from my observations of my Mom and others, that those years after 90 are some of the roughest time of your life. Take care!