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88-1175

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my son who will be 21 in august,found beer,got a underage about 3 months ago.he and his gf lived with me till fri night,she refuses to get out of bed,shes 20 also,she lays in bed all day everyday.he was the nicest,most helpful young man a father could ask for,until he found beer.he flatout aint going to help me do anything,period,partying consumes his weekends now,he does still have a vewry good job but I expect that to end soon.well I finally thru them out fri night,being drunk peeing all over the place was the last straw,i wonder what happened to my little buddy,my best friend.my health was getting better,i was looking forward to going pulling all summer,but beer ended that.ya know ive turned back cancer 3 times,live with diabetes that"s bad,really bad,but I think whats gonna do me in is a broken heart.....
 
I don't have any words that will will help I don't think, but feel for ya, wish you the best as I can.

Paul
 
(quoted from post at 21:58:43 05/27/14) my son who will be 21 in august,found beer,got a underage about 3 months ago.he and his gf lived with me till fri night,she refuses to get out of bed,shes 20 also,she lays in bed all day everyday.he was the nicest,most helpful young man a father could ask for,until he found beer.he flatout aint going to help me do anything,period,partying consumes his weekends now,he does still have a vewry good job but I expect that to end soon.well I finally thru them out fri night,being drunk peeing all over the place was the last straw,i wonder what happened to my little buddy,my best friend.my health was getting better,i was looking forward to going pulling all summer,but beer ended that.ya know ive turned back cancer 3 times,live with diabetes that"s bad,really bad,but I think whats gonna do me in is a broken heart.....
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feel for you. Tragedy for sure & such a waste. That crap put my first born in an early grave & the pain will be as long as I live. We just have to endure.
 
That is a terrible thing to have happen to you and I'm sorry. No one should have to go through that.

You have proven you are very strong and a survivor, and I am going to suggest you do something almost impossibly hard. Let your son know he can come back home, but only without the alcohol and without the lazy or mentally ill girlfriend. Right now your son is either drunk or hung over all the time. He is not in his right mind. He will hit bottom probably sooner than later, and (a big if) if he can give up alcohol you can help him get his life back. He will need detox treatment, and who knows what else at that time. Our kids are not throw-away possessions. They are always a work in progress.
 
That is a very hard situation to deal with. You just need to know that it is nothing you did.
The one thing you need to make sure is to NOT BE AN ENABLER.. Sounds like you are going about it right. Offer help, but don't enable. These stories don't always turn out bad, if he is good like you say, he will possibly turn around fast. Good luck. Bob
 
At least you had him for 19 good years; which is a lot more than I got. Hopefully he'll straighten himself out in a few years as he matures.

As for myself, my ENTIRE FIRST FAMILY were killed by a drunk driver while I was at work. I didn't find out about it until 3 1/2 hours later. Never got the chance to say goodbye to my Wife and Children. It's been 49 years and I still miss them, and it hurts. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this. :>(

Doc
 
I am very sorry for your situation.
A liquid you can dump into the ground and it wrecks the lives of loved ones.

Is there a cop that you may know that can get him straightened out? A Pastor? A recovering alcholic?

Sometimes it takes a real bad situation, and I know this is terrible but......Jail time for a DUI sometimes gets folks to realize their faults.
 
I truly feel for you, seen it far too often. Saw what it did to my Dad. He did quit though, was never happy about it, but had about 25 years sober.

Even after seeing how it tore him down, here I went, down the same path, started at 18 when the state of Texas thought lowering the drinking age was the thing to do... Took me 23 years to hit bottom. Thanks to God and AA I no longer find it necessary to drink. Been 19 years and 7 days since my last drink!

Don't give up on your son. You've done the right thing by setting boundaries, not enabling the behavior. Many, probably a majority of young people go through the drinking and partying stage during this time of their life. Most outgrow it.

If there is an Alanon group nearby, give them a few visits. You'll learn valuable wisdom and tactics for dealing with alcohol abuse. You're not alone in this!

Hate the drink, not the drinker. Be patient but stand strong. Pray for him daily. Read Luke 15:11-23.

Praying for you and your son.
 
Are you sure it's the beer or is it the girl?

My youngest son started dating a girl who was the grand daughter of lifelong family friends. She milked cows for her grandparents for a while,was as friendly to us as you could ever ask for. She started turning against us,getting to be the nastiest little blitch you never wanted to meet.
Our son was getting the same way. We'd had about all we could take when the girl's mother bought a repo house and let them move in to that.
Living alone with her,he finally started to see what a PITA little blich she was.
They split up not long after and he has long since apologized to his mother and me for treating us like he did and for letting her treat us that way.
Maybe after your son has had his fill of letting that lazy good for nothing ruin his life,he'll come to his senses.
 
I feel your pain Doc. I lost my wife and 3 month old son to a drunk driver. I lost my older brother a couple of years earlier to a drunk driver as well.
 
Your situation is the toughest thing a parent can go through short of death, or maybe it's worse than death. To see your child crumble and then finally have to kick him out has to be gut wrenching. I pray he will come back to you a changed young man soon. Jim
 
Sounds to me like he found tail... I think that takes precedence over most all else at that age.

Rod
 
88-1175
My everyday problems are small in comparison to your plight. There have been some good suggestions on here and the compassion is running high. It seems sometimes life is a roller coaster, lots of ups and downs, the thing to remember is the Almighty never gives you more than you can handle, you can ask Him for relief,and he will oblige,with mercy. Just hang in there it will all turn about. Prayers are with you.
Regards,
LOU
 
Exactly. The beer isn't having s3x with him and messing with his hormones. He's 20 and she's making him feel like a big man. No doubt telling him to defy his father and be a man,do for her and take care of here "like he should". He'll come around when she finally drags him all the way to the bottom.
 
Well I think you might of made the right decision on the eviction. No excuse for a 20 year old to lay around with no job unless they are mentally or physically handicapped. As far as the drinking, if its like you say, it probly is on the extensive side. Not really to uncommon for people of that age. They probly going to drink/party alot weather living with you or someone else. Hopefully it will just be a phase they are going through. Don't really know what else to tell ya.
 
You have made the right call but do not stop there. If you know or suspect he or she is driving under the influence please call the police. Calling them will not make you a bad person. You need to protect others from him and keep him from doing something that can ruin the rest of his life. He will turn around and come back to his right mind. He was raised right.
 
A lot of guys can't handle IT when they get it and I'm not talking about the beer,he'll wise up after he figures out that she ain't the only one
in the World with IT.
 
Alcohol ALWAYS causes problems. It NEVER solves any problems. My sister drank herself to death. Now, her 2 kids have no mom, and my sister is gone!
 
Seems to me I remember 40 years ago interested in drinking beer and chasing women and knew lots of others doing the same. Went to work every day and took care of business while having fun. No big deal for us we all did fine just a stage but times are different now. He'll come around and see thru her. His roots are still intact. He still has his job, sometimes gotta let them learn from their experiences. You're doing what you seem fit hang in there
 
I agree with Rod and TF. The problem is the girl. Hopefully he'll wise up before she really ruins his life, or gets pregnant.
Lots of kids drink and party on weekends at that age and still lead good lives, and maintain good relationships with family. That's why I think the problem is the girl.
Hopefully he'll wise up soon.
 
A lot of good advice. If I can offer one more... Don't be an ENABLER no matter what. He will call you a piece of $h!t because you wont give him money to buy more booze, etc. It will all be your fault. Stick to your guns.

Do what you know is right, and he will know that he cant manipulate you.

Had it happen in our family. I was the "mean" person that wouldn't buy any of the b.s. garbage. Got called every name in the book.

Finally, they got clean and are now a productive member of society. He wrote a very nice and lengthy thank you for everyone to see. Specifically mentioned the tough love is what he really needed. Made me feel good. Real good. BUT!!! It was 10+ years of stress that I questioned myself more than once.

Good luck.
Rick
 
I don't know where they ,he and his friends get it,some of them are 21 and older,his gf does nothing,turned down 2 jobs at a small market,i know she talks me down,and ive told him a few times recently to take her home,it usually ends up as "well im going too",i thought he and I were inseperable,i help dig graves and run a cemetery,i see the pain losing a child has on people,ive buried my friends children,it changes a man.
 

You did the right thing in kicking him out. Helping and protecting him enables him to get worse.
 
You have TWO choices... write him out of your life right now and be done with him, or keep in touch, and welcome the prodigal son back, if it ever happens/he's ready. The woman as well, as she MAY be the mother of your grandchildren.

Life doesn't always follow the plan laid out in "Leave it to Beaver"!

BT,DT. Told my son some years back he was dead, as far as I was concerned, but was there when he DID want to talk. He has turned around, and I have some hope for him.

He stopped by tonight and ewe had a good talk. SOMETIMES, they realize Dad wasn't QUITE as dumb as they thought he was and had a LITTLE insight into life!

You never know.
 
On a side note, my grandfather ran a cemetery and dug graves by hand in his later years. He dug field tile by hand until his early forties.

I do think the woman and friends are the issue, but do not think you can help him if he does not want to help himself. I would not wish to trade places with you, but you probably have to kick him out.
 
I really think its the beer,hes a great looking young man,girls just seem to fall for him.my buddies have always said he could breakup with a girl and have another one in half an hour.hes never been without a girlfriend for years...
 
ii think your right too,hes changed,from someone that would do anything for anyone,to someone that will do nothing for anyone,shes worse,ive asked for some help around the house,cant is her favorite word,it really agrivated me when I had to pick up their clothes and wash them,she does nothing but lay in bed.she claims to have no medical problems,and appears very healthy.
 
Locally, the City Council is debating selling alcohol at YOUTH sporting events.

Everything has its place. I just don't understand the mentality of people who think they can't possibly have a good time unless they have a beer or mixed drink in their hand.

I've nothing against drinking, but for Pete's sake keep it in moderation.
 
Well 88-1175,I was that age not to many years ago. I was the kind of kid you describe him to had been. I also found the booze and women. It was a stage of life I went thru. My old man had to tune me up a couple times along the way!! For me it got old and I retuned to being the son I think we both wanted me to be. Guess what I'm trying to say is might possibly be the drinking stage so many of us went thru. Just keep an eye on him.
 
After reading the responses and taking into account your sons change in personality, are you sure there aren't also drugs involved? I hope not, but.... The parents are usually the last to know, the last to believe it and the most shocked when it becomes known. Access to steady tail might trap him into sharing her other addictions with him. Again, I hope not, just asking.
 
Most of us go through a stage of irresponsibility in our lives. Some never grow out of it. Raising the drinking age to 21 hasn't helped, it's just made lawbreakers out of young people who otherwise would be drinking legally.

You understandably don't like your son's behavior, and you don't have to enable it. He's old enough to be on his own if he doesn't want to abide by the conditions you set for living in your home. The main thing is to not be angry about it. He's not trying to hurt you, he just isn't mature enough to understand how painful it is for you to watch his mistakes. It doesn't sound like you and your son have burned any bridges--yet. Be there to help him when that time comes, but in the meantime you shouldn't be his enabler.

Now it's possible drugs are involved. That doesn't really change anything; your course of action is the same. Don't enable his behavior, but be there to help him when he decides to clean up his act.
 
I wonder if it is the booze.My much younger brother went down the wrong road too.He was always a bit cocky.When he was in about grade 5 or 6 the local school had split grades do to low enrollments.My brother was high academiclly but about the youngest kid in the class.He was put in with the older kids and seem to falter a bit.Our parents went along with the schools placement then blamed themselves when he seemed to stumble at school.

It got bad enough when he went to high school that a family friend remarked that our father,who had a bad stutter, didn't stutter when Dannys situation cam up in conversation.He ran with older guys and we think he carried thier drugs for them because the penalties in Canada are negligible for under 16 year olds.His friends seem to desert him when he turned 16.

My wife got him a job fixing lawn mowers when he dropped out of school the last time.All the while our parents coddled him and to this day he gets care packages from Mom.He shacked up with a hooker for a while and the crack made him lose everything.

Our mother took him in again and baled him out of jail and paid his lawyer.He made the best of the free ride until the money was all gone.I had to get downright ugly to get him to cut the lawns while I ran the farm and worked full time and cut firewood for our Mother where he was living.The farm is gone except for the buildings which the nieghbour who bought the land didn't want (I rent from our Mother) and our mother is living in a trailer park.

Funny thing is that he found another woman and they both went to rehab.She gave him a daughter the day before his 40th birthday.They recently split so she could go back to her partying ways but that little girl may keep him straight.

The moral of the story?I don't know.Blood is thicker than water? People change even if it takes a long time?I do know that our mother keeping on feeling that she had to make up for him getting put in the wrong class didn't help.You had the courage to bring the facts of life to him.Reality may set in but it could take some time.
 
I'm glad that while I have had problems with my kids I never had problems like that.

I was however your son. Booze and women! Then I kinda got hooked one and got her in the family way. Got married and got serious.

I agree with you kicking em out. My BIL was a single dad with 2 sons. He tired being best friends with them instead of a parent. They were both in their early/mid 20s, high school drop outs, unemployed and living at home when my BIL told me that they were "good boys". I told him that employers were not looking for "good boys", that they were interested in was responsible MEN. He told em find a job and contribute or get out. They both have gotten their GEDs and are now working.

Rick
 
In my early twenties I drank a lot!!. I acquired a taste for beer but I was a functioning alcoholic I guess. I worked my tail off because I had responsibilities and debts. I started drinking at a young age in my dads office and shop. Funny thing is my dad hardly drank a thing. I love the taste of beer! But this really sounds like there are different chemicals involved. I pray that your son will see the right path as I have. I still drink but not very much.
 
(quoted from post at 20:32:22 05/27/14) Locally, the City Council is debating selling alcohol at YOUTH sporting events.

Everything has its place. I just don't understand the mentality of people who think they can't possibly have a good time unless they have a beer or mixed drink in their hand.

I've nothing against drinking, but for Pete's sake keep it in moderation.
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X100,000!
 
I come from a long line of alcoholics. I went through the drinking stage, lost my father and younger sister both to DWI accidents. Saw what booze did to my family and to me. Then I spent over 20 years investigation the other effects of alcohol- the accidents, domestics, assaults, deaths. I don't care who you are, we are all one beer or drink of glass of wine away from being the animal we all despise. I don't have a lot of use for drunks, part time or full time. I know very, very few people that can have "just one". That includes me.

As far as the OP, hang in there buddy. It's hard, I know. I'm betting it's not just the beer or just the girl. I'm betting it's both plus some drugs. My oldest boy is a drug addict and I can't even begin to tell of the heartache that's caused. Thankfully he's recovering now, I think, and he's changed. I hope the same happens for you real soon.

I know a lot of people poo-poo faith in a higher power, but I think there's some thread that ties us all together. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.
 
take him to a rehab clinic. let him spend about a week in there. drop her off at the street corner he picked her up at n leave her there. if u want him back u go claim him n kick his tail like my father did me till he realizes what hes doing aint healthy. jmho.
 
I never had much desire for alcohol, but when I became allergic to it, I started to thank the Lord for making me allergic.

However, I hate to see the attitude that society has developed towards alcohol and drugs. It seems to me that when an individual was under the influence, it is okay with everyone, including the judges that hand down light sentences.
 
I lost my son last year to beer and drugs. Was always a smart kid IQ over 160. Joined the Navy made 100 on the entrance exam. Made third class on his first try.Navy was going to up him to LTjg in Naval Code Center Command. Got hooked on drugs and beer. Navy kicked him out and he never could hold a job.

Found him dead one morning. In a pile of beer bottles and several bottles of drugs.
 
We're out there, seeing each one of us is wired differently, its a blessing to not have a penchant desire for intoxication, something I particularly cannot stand. It's something that I have no understanding of, yet there are those who are the complete opposite, for them its an addiction.

I particularly enjoy one cold beer in a frozen glass with dinner during the warm months. The glass being a thick tankard or similar, of which I have 2 that are priceless to me, they make ice crystals in the beer, so as you enjoy it with your meal it stays cold to the bottom of the glass. I keep a case in the refrigerator, this time of year, but in the cold months I don't seem to bother with beer so much, a dark or stout variety is nice, maybe a glass of a favorite wine, with dinner, often times I just skip all of it during winter months just don't have a desire for beer especially, like in the warm months when its an enjoyable treat, its always been like that for me. I could never figure how people would have one with lunch and enjoy it, just makes me tired, sweat more, forget it, I can't enjoy it that way, has to be when the day is done and you've earned it after hard work.

The kid mentioned in this post, that's all you can do, hope and pray, he finds a path away from this indulgence. Maybe an intervention will work, maybe not, only he can make it happen.
 
Above all, do NOT be an enabler. The bad behavior is only the beginning. Bad actors have a strong tendency to escalate over time. What is now seen as laziness and partying leads to more and bigger thrills. While you may not be able to stop this train by yourself, don't add any fuel by enabling and tolerating.
One friend of mine just had to have his son locked up after he severely beat his dad and tried to kill him.
 
Friend of my wife buried her grandson this spring. Not much out of high school. Terribly smart kid, just couldn't figure out how to apply himself to life. Family tried, he just could not figure it out.

Found him cold in bed one morning.

Just so sad. Feels so empty, seems no reason for it.

Sorry for your loss.

Paul
 
I sometimes catch crap because only about every 3rd drink has alcohol in it. They kept showing up in front of me one night, so I kept drinking them, and I guess someone paid for them, because I didn't. About midnight I told the bar tender nothing but water for me and gave up my keys. I won't drink that much again, did not like the feeling.
I don't get how people can have a good time like that. Felt like half my brain was shut down and the other half was too busy looking for it to process anything around me.
I really don't get weed. I've been sick enough just mowing some off the edge of a pivot that got chemigated, that I want nothing to do with smoking it. It makes me arms itch when I ride through it spraying. I kill as much of it as I can.
 
(quoted from post at 04:46:06 05/29/14) I really don't get weed. I've been sick enough just mowing some off the edge of a pivot that got chemigated, that I want nothing to do with smoking it. It makes me arms itch when I ride through it spraying. I kill as much of it as I can.
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You have maryjane growing wild on your farm? The Feds and/or your local drug busting unit might be paying you a visit, thinking you are growing it for fun and profit! My goofy addict brother used to grow it with our stupid neighbor and then take pictures of each other with the big tall stalks. My dad was a police officer at the time too.

Brother is 54 now and finally trying to get his life straight, going to school for, of all things, drug and alcohol rehab counselor, takes one to know one I suppose. Our family stopped enabling him a long time ago but never cut off contact, so there is hope. I think it's the tail that is causing most of the problems with your son. My wife for some reason could not accept my family and wanted nothing to do with them. They all moved to Florida soon after we were married, otherwise I'd have had to make a hard choice between them. She's better now but still has no desire to see them, except for one sister and a brother, the others she has no use of. Best wishes.
 
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