Jokes about tractor people

I found out I will be the announcer for local tractor parade and rodeo need some material to use .There will be youth and adults so PG rated.Forgot most of Ole and Lena jokes need your help.THANKS!Anything funny that will entertain the crowd.

not really tractor related but worth doing,
you'll have to get a partner for this one, but its pretty good!!! I heard an auctioneer and his ringman do it many many years ago.
[auctioneer] [snif-snif] whew! someones deoderant has failed them!
[ringman] well don't look at me, I don't use the stuff!!

Larry, I have a warped sense of humor.
That being said:

The new model tractor that has just been introduced: Has no seat or steering wheel.
For the farmer who's lost his butt and doesn't know which way to turn.

Be careful - I almost got whupped once telling that joke. By the way - I originally heard it from another farmer.


Another story told by a friend who pulled his J Deere next to his neighbor's Ford. Neighbor's battery needed a jump. He told neighbor, "Now step back - this Deere's liable to whip this Ford all over the yard."


Know why farmer's hat bills are curved? It's from looking in the mailbox for a government check.

Tell these at your own risk. . .
They work best if you can tell them about a well known, good natured local guy who is in the crowd.

As I said about the first one, some folks won't find any humor in them, and might even take offense. I didn't know at the time, but the guy that I offended with the first story about the no seat/steering wheel tractor was on the verge of losing his place. He later looked me up and apologized, and after he explained his situation, I apologized to him also. We remain friends.

Paul

I've been married so long, I don't no longer look both ways at intersections.

Last week, I got my tractor stuck in reverse, and before I could get it to stop, I unplowed 3 acres.

You can do this when a tractor won't start or run or have it staged with someone with one.


Gosh, whats wrong with that tractor? the motor won't mote--- the carburetor won't carb---the battery won't bat---the generator won't gen-- the pistons won't, ah, ah, Oh well they won't work either.

Better to tell them on yourself:

"I was shopping for a tractor the other day, and got a great deal on one with no seat or steering wheel. Salesman said its for the farmer who's lost his butt and doesn't know which way to turn."

Dear Lord, in the past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett, my favorite musician, Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman, Billy Mays, and my favorite athlete, Chris Henry. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite president is external_link.

What did the plow say to the tractor? "Pull me closer John, Dear"


After a recent snow storm,I was clearing out the driveway with my tractor and watched a newer VW beetle go in the ditch across the road.

I drove over to see if the driver was OK. A BEAUTIFUL gal in her 20's gets out and asks for my help.I told her "You're the third pregnant gal I've pulled outta the ditch today"

She says "I'm not pregnant!!" I calmly replied "You're not outta the ditch yet either!!"

Joke about a (good natured) person:

He was a twin, ya know. Yeah, a real tragedy- the Smart One died and the Ugly One lived...

Auctioneer joke while selling chains. Maybe you could work it in somehow.

Saw a fella draggin a chain behind him the other day.
I asked him why he was draggin that chain and he said....Have you ever tried to push one?

Farmer goes to the merchantile complaining about using his ax and only getting 3 trees felled in a day. Merchant suggests this new chainsaw should allow him to do 10 times that! Couple of days later, the farmer brings the saw back to the store and demands a refund. Says he is still only getting 3 trees down per day! Merchant starts the saw, and the farmer yells 'what's that noise'! Greg

Suggest you start listenin to the master of CLEAN southern humor, Jerry Clower.
heres a sample

Like dat one

I informed my wife that I was going to the John Deere. She said don't use all o the toilet paper.

thats hilarious. haha that made my day

When some of the women compete tell the men they should never under estimate a woman unless it's her age or weight.