Any good one liners? as in jokes?

The practical joke thing seemed to fly ok. And by golly after reading them, I look up and we are one day closer to spring. Spring is when we can stop using winter as a excuse not to do anything.

So here goes, A buddy of mine would always go to Wal-Mart, target, Kmart etc. He would go into the dressing room, and let out a loud yell. There is no darn toilet paper in here! -- Anybody--I need some toilet paper in here.

He was a sick-o-o-o truck driver, very big guy,and a fat gut on him. His greates pleasure was reading what was writtn on bathroom walls.

Once a day he would sit in a stall, and make loud sounds like a woman giving birth. He would use all the grunting sounds like he was passing broken glass, grunt and groan, yell oh my Lord, oh my Lord.

His high point of the day was to use a rest room stall in a busy place. As he called it heap, and run. He would indeed heap the toilet stool, and not pull the lever, and wait in the rest room pretneding to wash his hands. He aparently was a very lonely man out there on the road.

His wife divorced him, so we no longer have to get involved with him, Probably just as well.

Another so called buddy, our wives and I went out to eat. When I got my check book out he said--I thought you probation officer said you were not to write any more checks! The waitress tried to keep it low key, while she asked the supervisor if she should accept my check.

As I write this, I begin to wonder why I picked such low lifes for friends. Yet on the other hand it helps explain the way I am.

next time you go to the bank to cash a check....as yer walkin away from the teller, act excited, count the money and say...IT WORKED!!!IT WORKED!!.

When Jimmy Carter was president we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash, with the present president we have NO hope or Cash..

When I notice my cashier is in training, I ask them if they take cash. When the answer finally comes back, yes, I then ask if they need ID for cash. It will usually get a response...! Greg

I went to get my hair cut one day.And as you you know they want to know everything.The girl asked me what I did and I told her. Then I asked her what she did for a living, as she was standing there scissors in hand. Thankfully she replied she was a hairdresser.

Several years ago I would buy diesel for our Dodge at a local truck stop on the interstate.

"Drive offs" from their pumps had caused the truck stop several losses.

A new written policy was posted at the checkout counter [b:654c4848f0]"Photo ID Must Be Left With Cashier Before Fueling"[/b:654c4848f0].

After reading the sign, I gave the cashier a $50 bill and told her the pump number.

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Cashier, non-native Texan, said that she needed some identification.

Told her "I'm Ulysses S. Grant".

Another TX story. About 40 years ago Bankamericards, now Visa, had just come out and I had one. We were traveling across TX and stopped to get gas. I filled the 69 Dodge up and went to pay with the card. The well worn looking middle aged lady saw that it said SC Bankamericard on it an wouldn't take it. Said they only took TX Bankamericards and wouldn't listen to me telling her that it was a nationwide card. Wife said I should have told her to pump the gas back out, but nice fellow that I am, I cashed a traveler's check.

KEH

Withdraw money from an ATM and scream "I WON! I WON!"

Years ago in my beer drinking days, A young lady causually mentioned that she took her dog in for rabies shots today. I asked Why, Did you bite him?? Funniest part was a guy was just taking a sip of beer & tried to laugh & swallow at the same time. He had beer coming out of his nose & a big foamy mustash!

i always get a laugh out of attaching long zip ties to a buddy's truck driveshaft. its drives them nuts! hahahaha

Was going through Silver Lake, a tiny town in south central Oregon desert a few years back. Stopped at the "store"- combination gas station, grocery, 3 RV spaces and a 3 room motel- Paid with my card, and the two ancient ladies there (probably sisters) had just got the newest thing- a card swipe machine. They couldn't get my card to work, because they insisted on running it through "right side up", but the strip was at the top, so needed to go through "upside down". Finally convinced them to at least try it my way, and it worked. The one smiled at the other and said, "Well, he's a smart guy, but maybe too smart- I was about to give him the gas if I couldn't make the card work. Guess its a good thing we get a flatlander through here once in awhile to straighten us out."

Next time you are late---Walk into the room an say, I thought the door opened the other way.

Rodney Dangerfield was THE MASTER---One of my favorites--My favorite uncles' last request before he died, was to have me sitting in his lap at his death.---He died in the electric chair.

Take my Chevy- PLEASE!!!!

We all talk to ourseves. When I'm ask if I'm talking to myself. I reply no, I'm answering the little voices in my head. They usually leave me alone after that

Years ago as a former banker, I was visiting with one of our new tellers when one of the local <s>[b:654c4848f0]glennsters[/b:654c4848f0]</s> jokesters came by her teller's window.

Knowing that she was a new teller, he asked the young lady "Will you cash this $18 bill for me?"

Without hesitation she replied "How do you want it, two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

Forget to mention that this was in the early 80's.

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The $3 bill was not yet in circulation.

"Topic: Any good one liners? as in jokes?" Apparently not.

So these two baby seals walk into a club....

Was out late with some friends last night. I could have easily made it home on my own but then someone stepped on my hand.

A man goes to a wizard to have a curse removed by another wicked wizard. The wizard asked the man what exactly did the wicked wizard say when he put the curse on you. I now pronounce you husband and wife

Do you all take Hawaiian money?

Usually causes a pause.

She complained about his apartment so he knocked her flat!