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Tractor Talk Discussion Forum

inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update

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Rob in Indiana

01-26-2007 10:09:29




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I have some time to write so I will bring everyone up tp date. First let me say thanks for the support from this forum and for allowing me to vent!

I found out that the kids mother left a proper and legal will giving us custody of the kids and her estate which will be used to fund the kids education..... thats the master plan anyways.My attorney see no problems at the moment.

The father is being held on several federal charges.... he had 3 different social security numbers, 3 different Indiana drivers license, 2 of which were CDL license, dealing and transporting drugs, operating a commercial motor vehicle under the influence and a few others from what I am hearing.

The state of Indiana has him on rape,domestic abuse, child abuse, criminal confinement, murder charges plus a few others.

I dont believe he will see the light of day for a very long time.

The kids mom was recovering from her injures when it was found that a infection was eating up her insides. At some point in time he had given her a STD which he had been treated for but never informed our friend. The docters are saying she had this for several years and a routine female exam cant detect it. She had surgery to remove both breasts, all the female organs, a large part of the small intestine and clean out pockets of infection.

In the end this killed her, 12 hours after the sugery she went into cardiac arrest.

The kids are and have been in therapy since this all started 8 weeks ago.

My wife(Beth) and I sat last night and had a long talk with the kids. They know we are not trying to replace their parents but only to finish the job of raising them. I think they understand that we are not always going to agree but wife and I will always have their best interest at heart.

I know its going to be a long road but also know it will have its own rewards plus its just the right thing to do.

sorry that this became a bit graphic and long but I just needed to vent my anger over this.

Rob

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Kent in KC

01-29-2007 06:41:44




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
... and you might want to start thinking about drawing up your own will. If something happened to you and your wife, it'd be a shame for the kids to go through even more unnecessary turmoil.

Good luck.



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Rick Kr

01-26-2007 20:24:31




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
Rob,

Wont re-iterate what everyone else has said...

Be caring, be compassionate, be the authority, be fair, and participate in therapy.

But most right now you two will be a shoulder to cry on, and an open ear to let them vent.

YOU WILL DO FINE!!!!! !!!!!



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Steve Crum

01-26-2007 20:04:42




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
It will be a tough road, but given that you and the Mrs. have elected to travel it, you are of good character. The kids will adjust to their new life with two caring parents. Word of caution, you must establish the alpha male and alpha female. These kids have been thru h**l and are crying for fairly applied authority and direction in their life. When the kids become comfortable with a life that includes trust and freedom gained thru responsibility and humility, you will have fulfilled the wishes of their mother and sent 3 fine young people out into the world

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Janicholson

01-26-2007 16:10:15




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
It will be fine. Remember you won't be doing diapers, fighting colic, testing warm milk on your wrist, or potty training. These are self contained operational youngsters who were cared for by a great mom. As issues arise, talk things through. Seek assistance as needed and adjust Faith expectations (if different) to avoid conflict. May the adjustments be smooth and tranquil. JimN



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r wright

01-26-2007 15:33:01




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
Bless you and the best to you. I am a school counselor and my wife is a psychologist. In my opinion, your entire reconstituted family should continue working with the therapist, or some other family therapist for quite a while. You need an emotionally "safe" place to work out the many of issues that will come up. It sounds like you have plenty of common sense, and there will be tough days. Remember that these kids haven't had good role models. Unfortunately, children who have been abused sometimes become abusers themselves.I don't mean to scare you with this. Just keep your eyes open. We are raising two adopted girls ourselves. The good days by far have outnumbered the bad.

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Rob in Indiana

01-26-2007 15:53:33




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to r wright, 01-26-2007 15:33:01  
I am aware of the cycle of abuse and its our intent to keep them in therapy. Thanks for the words of wisedom

Rob



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John N Mi

01-26-2007 15:23:06




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
You refer to the father as husband and not as an ex husband. In some states he would have the say as the surviving parent. Your lawyer said things look good to him so all of us on here do hope that he can't cause anymore trouble for the kids and you.



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Mike (WA)

01-26-2007 16:54:55




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to John N Mi, 01-26-2007 15:23:06  
From the legal standpoint- virtually all states have moved the emphasis from biological parentage to "best interest of the child"- and with the laundry list of depravities cited for dear old Dad, not to mention his probable extended housing courtesy of the state, I wouldn't worry too much about him being any kind of serious adversary. In fact, you might encourage your attorney to move for termination of his parental rights while the situation is still disgustingly fresh. If the kids were being raised well by mom, they are used to having boundaries set, and you need to continue that program- gently, with love, but as firmly as is needed under the circumstances. Once the kids learn that the parenting program isn't going to change drastically, they'll be fine. Hang in there- 'tis a noble thing that you do.

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Bob

01-26-2007 15:09:24




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
May GOD help you! You're gonna need it!

I can't think of a much greater sacrifice than doing what you plan to do, may you be rewarded for it!



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two mile

01-26-2007 14:42:10




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
Rob, Thanks for the updates. Your situation and these kids have truly tugged at my heart. Your post today confirms some of what I feared for you yesterday. If these kids have been abused, you will have some additional challenges. You will need to be involved with the counselor that is helping with them. The thinking of a child that has been abused will be different. You will need a crash course to learn strategies to cope with this. Your diligence with this now will hopefully prevent difficulties later. You have a lot on your plate. Keep up your confidence. Tune in to your own emotions, and keep them healthy. Be aware of emotional changes with these kids and your wife. Negative emotions can spiral downward quickly. Use every resource that you have. Don't let pride prevent you from asking for help. Stay positive. When you feel fear, look for courage. When you feel weak, look for strength. I agree with the other posts, Bring your frustrations to us. Put their needs first with trust and respect. You have just begun to climb your mountain. The view from the top will be priceless.

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Ryan - WI

01-26-2007 14:12:19




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
I agree with the commendations of your willingness and kindness. I do have one question.

The dad sounds like a real peach. How did the kids end up normal. You said they were respectful, good grades etc. Did they have much contact with their father?



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Rob in Indiana

01-26-2007 15:48:58




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Ryan - WI, 01-26-2007 14:12:19  
The dad was a OTR truck driver who was home very little. Never involved with school activities or took a interest in after school activities.

Beth and I have been to more of these kids ball games and such than he ever was.

The dad has no money for legal fees and Pam(kids mother) has a attorny and a divorce was in motion.

I had a phone conversation with him today and meeting with him monday morning but he sees us having no problems given he is setting in a federal penitentiary as I type.

I know the 15yo boy has some anger management issues they have been dealing with but a good student, 11yo girl is very clingy,very artsy kind of gal and also a good student. The 18yo boy is a pre med student, mature beyond his years and finished high school with a 3.8 grade average.

All and all they have turned out well and Pam did a great job raising them.

Rob

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jeremy in NE

01-26-2007 13:24:37




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
I want to commend you for taking on such a responsibility. Its good to see that theres still good people out there. Just like the other guys said, vent as much as you want here. If somebody doesnt like it too bad. Good luck, God bless and keep us posted.



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TylerARK

01-26-2007 11:05:03




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
Rob, You are to be commended for taking this on. It is great to see there are some good people left in this world who step up to the plate when asked to. I have had people tell me over the years that no matter what else I did, I had a spot in heaven. While I dont know about that, all I did was get out of the Army to get custody of my 2 daughters, 2 and 3 years old at the time, then over the years I have at least partially raised 9 other kids who didnt have much or any parenting support. I did it for only one reason, It was the Right thing to do !! My reward is having several kids and young adults looking up to me and calling me Dad! Greatest feeling in the world, even better now since I am raising my one year old Granddaughter. It has been trying at times but I would definately do it all over again.
Keep the faith and More Power to you !!
Tyler

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mike a. tenn.

01-26-2007 10:34:52




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
rob...you go right ahead and vent, and vent some more if you need to. i'm sure everyone on here is behind you in this effort and sacrifice you're making. you vent your anger at us....and save your love, patience, and concern for those children. we can take it.

best of luck and may your God be behind you.

-mike a. tenn. (formerly from indiana)



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Brokenwrench

01-26-2007 10:27:16




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
Rob, It sound like in the face of this horrid situaution, you and your wife are doing everything right.
It`s easy to think how I would deal with a situation like this, but it`s a whole lot different to be knee deep in it.
It sounds like you`re using the perfect approach, you have a ton of respect from me and I`m sure many others for the way you`re handling all this. Good luck, God Bless and by all means, vent away Brokenwrench

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JD9295

01-26-2007 10:24:02




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
that says alot about you and your wife for their mother to have the will drawn up and making you the kids guardians.
it will be tough but it sounds like you have your head straight about it.
this is one of those hard ones, you will have to be thier friend and parents, that will be hard on them and you

good luck and keep your head up



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Jay (ND)

01-26-2007 10:23:05




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 Re: inherited 3 teenage kids...........Update in reply to Rob in Indiana, 01-26-2007 10:09:29  
Thanks for the update. The kids are lucky to have such good friends.

Jay



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